'I don't believe a word of it...'
So, being a completely childless household, we have the rare luxury of being able to lay around and endlessly discuss great ideas for ways with which to mess with your child’s mind. Children, as we all, know are an endless source of amusement and wonder in their capacity for belief in the most strange and unlikely things. We believe this should be encouraged, and if your child reaches the age of 12 and still believes anything that comes out of your mouth – we figure you’re doing it all wrong. So, here is a list of some ideas that you can tenderly implant into the malleable imagination of your children in order to maintain a sense of wonder and magic (as well as terror and fear) in what can be an otherwise all too staid existence...
Wishing Shoes.
For this you will need a prop, namely a specific pair of shoes, preferably old and way too large ones so the kid doesn’t grow out of them in a hurry. Now, whenever the kid wants something that is reasonable, like ‘I want a lolly’, you can say, ‘Well go put on your wishing shoes and we’ll see what happens’, then after the shoes are on ‘hey – for some strange reason I think we should all have some lollies’. Some-times of course the shoes don’t work coz they’re old and worn out of course, and sometimes they have worked but you just can’t see it quite yet – hard to tell with these things.
Electricity is made by Weevils who live in the walls.
These Weevils are very busy making all the electricity needed in the house so don’t like being interrupted, thus never try to take anything apart that has electricity making weevils in it or it will never work again. Also these weevils hate water – so if you get water anywhere near these weevils, they will come out and bite you.
The Floating Head of Death.
This idea is taken from a Gary Larson cartoon where the kindly Dad is standing next to a window, looking at Junior and saying ’If you don’t play quietly I’ll have to knock three times and summon the floating head of death’, while downstairs mum is waiting for the signal with an evil looking painted helium balloon on a string out the window below.
Every Can of Spray paint has a child’s tooth in it –that’s what rattles.
See, the Tooth Fairy is the victim of economic rationalism as much as everybody else, so in order to keep herself in all the fairy dust she needs, she had to strike a deal with the spray paint manufacturing companies who needed something small and hard for their cans of spray paint. She gives you a cut of course, hence the little pile of change under you pillow when you lose a tooth. (the original concept for this was pinched from a Simpsons episode and then liberally expanded upon).
The Gnome in your belly.
I have a gnome in my belly. If we don’t feed him, he will come out and eat us whole. So pass me all of your potatoes.
Birds were once people who wore their socks to bed.
So don’t ever, ever, wear your socks to bed...
Vegemite is actually made from processed axle grease.
Don’t pick your nose your eyes will fall out.
The water in the toilet bowl going up and down is whales fighting in the harbour.
Lights flickering is when some-one sneezed with they’re eyes open.
You can turn a normal dog into a Pekinese with a length of wood and a sharp whack on the nose.
You can also turn a Pekinese back into a normal dog by pick it up and blowing really hard up it’s backside –which is why there’s so many Pekinese around - no-one wants to do this...
Plastic Bags are made out of kids stomachs.
People who look like garden gnomes eventually become them.
Good for when walking down the street. ‘See that man over there... boy he’s on his way for sure...’
When you’re asleep you fart out of your eyes.
That’s what dried up sleep in your eyes is the next morning – dried fart.
If you hear too much to during the day your kidneys play up the next day and you get stomach ache.
As in, ‘stomach ache? Well you must have heard too much yesterday’.
Lollipops are made out of run over cats.
The city employs a special team of people to go around and collect all the run over cats, scrape them up and then take them to the lolly factories where they are made into lollypops. That’s why so many lollipops are red.
If you read newspapers too much eventually all you see is black and white.
Which is why so many people on the train wear black and grey suits – too many newspapers.
Butterflies are made from kisses.
Whenever you kiss some-one, somewhere a butterfly is born.
If you eat bugs – you’ll dream of bugs.
Money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows underground, like carrots.
Bee stings will come up in the shape of the first letter of the last person you kissed.
This one comes from personal experience, yes I actually believed this for a while when I was a kid, and couldn’t go home for hours coz my arm had come up with a big red C mark, which was, of course, the first letter of Christine Hooper's name.
Sometimes, in very rare cases, little boys penises just fall off.
All plastic has to be blessed by the Pope- which is why he always looks so tired.
If you hold in your farts, you burp them.
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